Forgiveness

We go through life with defenses we created early on.
Are you willing to soften those barriers to allow good things?
- Daily OM

I saw this on a friend's fb page this morning and it hit home. Hard. Sliding into the plate, with dust flying, chin scraped.

I was very open as a child. Sensitive, enthusiastic, trusting. I reached out. I got hurt. I blocked a lot of things out. I closed up, not realizing I had done so.

I think people who know me today probably still think I'm enthusiastic and open, because I try to be. Especially with people I trust. But I'm not. Not really open. Not with myself.

Why? Why is letting go so hard? Why is it easier to cling to past hurt? Why do things hide deep down only to come out when you least expect it, despite everything you do to chase them out?

Because it's not the world or other people I don't trust, it's me. I don't trust myself. I don't trust my feelings, my instincts. Despite everything I've tried to do the last few years, it hit me that deep down in the place you always try to block out and pretend doesn't exist, I don't feel I deserve good things. If someone says something bad about me, I'm quick to believe it. If someone says something good, I wonder what their angle is or brush it off entirely.

Why?

I've always been really hard on myself, held myself to standards I would never impose on others. That's one thing. The other thing is that while I've been able to forgive others (truly, wholly) so I could move on, I've never been able to forgive myself.

I see now this is something I really want and have to do. But how do you feel it, believe it instead of just hear yourself saying it? For now that's all I have. Words. I forgive myself.

I now return you to your normal garden blogging!